top of page
  • Writer's pictureChoosing Love

Getting Closure For Old Hurts

Having unresolved conflict in your relationships–especially in your marriage–

creates tension that weighs on both you and your spouse. It distracts you

and eventually creates resentment, further breaking down your relationship.

We like to think of this kind of conflict as unfinished business.

Unfinished business involves issues you and your spouse have never been

able to fully work through. If one of you is holding onto old hurts, it’s likely

you’ve never felt like those have had a chance to heal. This can happen for

many reasons, and the longer hard feelings simmer, the more difficult they

will be to resolve It’s crucial to get closure on events and circumstances that

have caused us emotional pain.


Unresolved conflict in your marriage keeps your focus off the present.

Instead, you spend your precious time and energy thinking about things that

happened in the past. Keeping a negative perspective on your marriage will

make it increasingly difficult to feel gratitude and peace in the moment.

Rather than making new memories together, you’re reliving past hurts and

reopening old wounds. Every situation is different. Sometimes, we hold onto

petty disagreements and squabbles that should be easy to let go of. In other

situations, we’re carrying the weight of a major betrayal and trying to

overcome it without closure.

Either way, failing to get closure will ensure you get stuck in the past hurt–

and that prevents you both from moving forward in a meaningful way.


When we have unfinished business in marriage, it’s most likely to emerge

during new conflict. In other words, yesterday’s wounds complicate today’s

problems. Instead of getting down to business and clearing away the issue

you’re facing right now, you suddenly find yourselves entrenched in a fight

from years ago.

You’ve probably heard the term “kitchen-sinking.” This phenomenon

happens when you’re in a disagreement with someone, and they start

bringing up old conflicts you thought had been long resolved. If this sounds

familiar, you definitely have unfinished business to attend to.


The healthiest thing you and your spouse can do is work on resolving and

getting beyond your unfinished business. Your marriage depends on you

making this change. If one or both of you is repeatedly bringing up past

hurts, it’s time to find closure.

Take some time to journal about the issues from the past that are still

bothering you. Make a list if you need to, and work on processing why these

issues still hurt and what you think might help you feel more peace in letting

them go. Journaling first gives you time to decide which issues you can

release on your own, and which you might need to work through with your


Once you’ve narrowed down your list to the things you can’t resolve without

your spouse, it’s time to start working together. Consider dealing with one

issue at a time, and seek professional support through Choosing Love Biblical

Counseling if you’re finding them hard to address. This will help you prevent

unnecessary pain and overwhelm.

How you handle conflict, from the everyday to the intense, makes all the

difference to the future of your marriage. Looking for a little support? Check

out this book, I Love You More, helps you turn the hard times in your

marriage into opportunities to show one another more love.

(Provided by Dr. Les and Leslie Parrot)

Unfinished Business_ Getting Closures for Old Hurts copy
Download PDF • 428KB

41 views0 comments


bottom of page